How to Work With Your ADHD, Not Against It: Systems Edition

Working Against ADHD

In my work with clients who have ADHD I’ve noticed a theme of trying to go about their lives in ways they assume they should, rather than ways that feel best to them. I’ll hear people describe frustration because they see friends who get their laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away in one sitting but could never accomplish that themselves. Or they’ll describe sadness because they can’t seem to master meal prepping like people they see on instagram, and instead sometimes skip meals because they can’t find the motivation to cook.

There is a major focus on comparing ourselves to those without ADHD and trying to fit into their systems. The perspective is one that there must be something wrong with us (I have ADHD, too), rather than something is wrong with the system we’re trying to use. As a result, many people feel like they’ve failed over and over again, with no dopamine reserves left to spark any motivation at all. This is us working against our ADHD.

Working With ADHD

So how do we work with it? First of all, we may need to do some internal work on the story we’re telling about ourselves being a failure. It can be hard to do this alone, therapy is a great place to start working on a new story that has a bit more context and compassion.

We also can start to remove ourselves from the idea of how we should do things, and instead focus on what actually works. Once of the best ways I can describe this is to give a an example from my own life:

One of the areas ADHD shows up in my life is laundry. For years (my whole life, maybe?) I struggled to initiate the task to put clothes away, so they’d sit clean in the basket (or on the floor, floor-drobe anyone?) for days until I got frustrated enough with not being able to find anything to finally put them away. Doing this every week would make me feel awful. It was a reminder that I should be able to do the simple task of folding laundry like everyone else, but I couldn’t.

Hello negative self-talk, shoulds, and comparisons!

Once I was given the gift (seriously!) of an ADHD diagnosis and learned why the task of laundry felt impossible for me, I started to get creative with ways to make this easier. Shoulds and comparisons told me that I needed to fold my clothes perfectly and pair up my socks nicely. But I told myself that away was better than in the basket (for me, for some the basket works!), and if folding was an issue then I just wouldn’t. I bought all the same color socks so I could throw them in a drawer without pairing them. I switched my clothes around so leggings, active-wear, pajamas, etc. that don’t wrinkle can also get throw into drawers. I still have to fold some things to avoid the future-me problem of steaming everything I own, but I eliminated some barriers so laundry feel more doable now. This is my new system. This is me working with my ADHD.

How We Block Ourselves

When we only try to do what others are doing, we hamstring ourselves. We stop listening to what we need, we stop observing our actual behaviors, we disrupt our natural inclinations, we diminish our creative agency. Being able to develop a system that is just for us can give us the chance to gain some function and efficiency back in our lives.

If you need help with this, schedule a consultation! Changing, developing, and identifying functional systems is a marathon, not a sprint - and can often be made easier with therapy involved.

Tina Leboffe, LPC, CCATP, ADHD-CCSP

*Please note that this blog is for your information only and does not constitute clinical advice or establish a client-counselor relationship.