Common Communication Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

In the last blog we learned all about how to express our needs and ask for change using I Feel statements. To take it one step further, in this blog we’ll explore the common mistakes and pitfalls that occur when working on communication.

Blaming & Criticizing

To effectively communicate and ask for change we need to speak on our own emotions and experience. When we blame or criticize others we are doing the exact opposite by putting the focus on a characteristic or behavior of the other person. This may sound like “ You are so dismissive!” or “You are so patronizing!”. This type of language can immediately put someone of the defensive and as a result diminish the opportunity for successful communication before the need is expressed. Instead, we would use the formula from the last blog to say “When you speak over me when I’m telling a story I feel dismissed.”

Expressing a Thought Instead of a Feeling

Similar to blaming an criticizing, when we express a thought instead of a feeling we have the potential to put the focus again on the person we are communicating with instead of our own emotions. We also miss the chance to fill the other person in on how the experience makes up feel, which is indisputable, vs a thought that can be questioned. There’s a difference between stating “I feel like” vs “I feel emotion.” For example, the mistake would be to say “I feel like you don’t care” or “I feel that I am right.” Instead, we turn back to our trusty formula, and use a helpful list of emotions, to identify what it is that we are feeling. “When you look at your phone while I’m speaking, I feel inadequate because I’m worried you don’t care.”

Not Being Specific or Realistic

A huge part of this formula is to present the person with an alternative behavior to meet your needs. Expressing the emotion, as demonstrated above, is great. But it’s even better for moving forward if you can be clear about what you need or are hoping for. When we are vague or unrealistic in any part of this formula, defensiveness and confusion can occur, making it hard to create change. This may sound like “When you are bratty I feel annoyed. If you can never do that ever again I’ll feel better.” There are so many unanswered specifics in that statement, the vagueness sounds like criticism, and it ends with an unrealistic ask to never ever repeat the behavior. Instead we might say, “When you slam the door on me I feel rejected. If you can ask for a moment to yourself when you’re angry, I will give you the space and we can speak again later.”

Being mindful of these pitfalls can help us to get more comfortable with expressing our needs and asking for change effectively. They can also help us identify when things are not working in an interaction, and why that might be the case, so we can rephrase and get it back on track.

If you feel that learning effective communication, like “I Feel” statements could help your relationship or friendships, reach out to learn more!

Tina Leboffe, MA, LPC, NCC, CCATP

*Please note that this blog is for your information only and does not constitute clinical advice or establish a client-counselor relationship.