How to Use “I Feel” Statements

Have you ever tried telling your partner to change something and end up getting into a fight instead? It could be because the language you’re using to communicate sounds blaming or attacking, and is resulting in defensiveness from your partner. The thing you want changed may be completely valid, but the manner in which you are expressing it may not lead to the change you want and could be causing more problems.

So how can we avoid this? An "I feel" statement is a tool that allows you to express your emotions and needs in an assertive way without blame or judgement towards another person. Starting a sentence with "I feel" allows you to take ownership of your emotions and creates a space for open and honest communication. By taking responsibility for your needs in the interaction, it can work to prevent defensiveness as the other person may feel less blamed or criticized.

Blaming Statements vs “I Feel” Statements

Blaming statements are mostly focused on the other person and can frequently look like criticism. Typically you will see a blaming statement start with “you". For example: “You aren’t helping!” It can also be very vague or generalized: “You never help me when I need it!” At times blaming statements may cut down the other person: “You are a selfish person!”

On the other hand, “I feel” statements take the focus off the other person and instead highlight the way you feel in a specific situation and what your needs are for the future. The formula to follow is:

I feel (emotion)

when (specific situation/event)

because (explain in more detail).

I would like it if you (new behavior, needs expression)

and then I will (how this will help you/the relationship).

Using the blaming statements above about needing help we can construct an I feel statement:

I feel overwhelmed

when I have to pack for vacation alone

because I don’t have enough time to pack my own items.

I would like it if next time you could pack your suitcase and one kid’s suitcase

then I will have time to organize my belongings and be able to enjoy the start of vacation with you.

The emotion of overwhelm is being expressed, the need of help while packing is getting clearly communicated, all while detailing how this can be resolved in the future with focus on the new outcome. The original blaming statements can cause the other person to become defensive or shut down the conversation. However, the “I feel'“ statement emphasizes personal feelings and encourages your partner to understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

In the next blog, we’ll talk about the common pitfalls and mistakes when using “I feel” statements and how to avoid them!

If you feel that learning effective communication, like “I Feel” statements could help your relationship or friendships, reach out to learn more!

Tina Leboffe, MA, LPC, NCC, CCATP

*Please note that this blog is for your information only and does not constitute clinical advice or establish a client-counselor relationship.