Setting Boundaries During the Holiday Season
The holiday season is here again and for some it may bring times of lots of family fun and memory making. For others, it can bring the feeling of dread or discomfort as the pressure to spend time with family increases. For some, this also might be the first holiday season since COVID started where gathering with family is an option again. Being around different family dynamics so often in these few months after not doing so last year can pose some challenges. So how do we deal with family dysfunction during the holidays?
1.When it comes to attending family holiday gatherings, ask yourself “why?”
Why are you attending the family gathering? Do you genuinely want to? Do you enjoy yourself and look forward to the time spent together? Or does it feel more like an obligation? Something you do to avoid rocking the boat within the family? Maybe you attend because you are afraid to break a tradition. What if that tradition is one you find yourself dreading?
We don’t often ask ourselves these questions because something like holiday gatherings tend to become assumed and understood within the family dynamic. These questions might come up if you are in the middle of a transition such as figuring out what holidays look like when you are in a relationship, or have started your own family - when there is a natural opening to make a change in your holiday plans. But why not ask yourself these questions regardless of if you’re in a transition? It’s hard to know if we need a boundary without being curious about how we feel about the situation.
2. Be Mindful of Your Expectations
The holiday season can be rife with unrealistic representations of family life - whether it be wholesome Hallmark movies or societal “shoulds” that tell us that holidays mean spending time with family. With all the internalized stories we may subconsciously tell ourselves about what the holidays are “supposed to” look like, we may find ourselves setting our expectations unrealistically high and then consistently being let down. Now, I’m not saying to set your expectations to prepare for the worst. I’m not even saying to ditch the Hallmark movies! I’m saying this: consider the reality of your experience of the holidays. If there is a family fight at the dinner table every year, it might be disappointing to hold onto an expectation that says “we’re all going to get along and be harmonious during dinner because that’s the way it should be.” That might not be realistic within the dynamic of the family.
What do you want the holiday season to mean for you? Are the traditions/dynamics present now in line with what you want the holidays to mean for you? If you find yourself answering no, you may have more power than you realize to make a change for yourself this holiday season.
3. Set Boundaries
Is it possible that every single blog I’ve written mentions boundaries? They are some pretty important keys to personal satisfaction and wellness. If you’ve answered the first question in any way that points to you not wanting to go, or feeling obligated to go to the holiday family gathering, it’s probably time for some sort of boundary or change. Same goes for it your preferred meaning of the holiday season does not align with the current reality of your traditions.
If you have a separated family, maybe your boundary looks like only attending 1 family gathering per holiday so that you aren’t stretched too thin. Maybe a boundary is not attending a gathering at all so that you can protect yourself from the dysfunctional patterns - like the aforementioned yearly dinner table fight. It could also look like limiting time you stay at a family event, or being intentional about what conversations or relatives you choose to engage with. This might also be a mental boundary to not set unrealistic expectations if you do choose to attend gatherings with family. The boundary is personal and set to protect your well-being.
4. Create Your Own Traditions
How cool would it be to have your own pocket of time within the holiday season that is just for you?! So by this point you’ve asked yourself “why?”, you’ve adjusted your expectations, and you’ve set boundaries… how about scheduling something special just for yourself that upholds your chosen meaning of the holiday season? Maybe it’s a Friendsgiving with friends who are your chosen family. Maybe it’s a tradition of staying in your pajamas and watching your favorite holiday movies instead of going to family dinner. It could even be buying yourself your own little sheet cake from the grocery store to celebrate making it through another holiday season (speaking from experience - a personal celebratory sheet cake is a very fun tradition…). Whatever it is, taking time to do something just for you can be a relief and major form of self-care in what could be a draining holiday season.
In the past, I’ve had a counselor of mine describe the holidays as the “helladays.” I cannot normalize the experience of a non-Hallmark-movie type of holiday enough. So many people experience family dysfunction year-round, that is only amplified by the holiday season. If you find yourself relating to this blog and want to explore what you want the holidays to mean for you, or you want space to process dysfunctional family dynamics - reach out and set up a free consultation!
Tina Leboffe, MA, LPC, NCC, AAC
*Please note that this blog is for your information only and does not constitute clinical advice or establish a client-counselor relationship.